Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
