my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
