i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
