I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
