Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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