Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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