Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
