I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
