Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
