So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I need water and some morals
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
