Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
