apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
