Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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