Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
