I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
