Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i believe in u and ur pee
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
