When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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