I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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