I want you more than these girls want KFC
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
