i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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