Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
