Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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