Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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