So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
