I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
