My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
