He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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