Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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