whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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