i was born a porn star she said
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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