I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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