You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
