grandma shit on top of the toilet
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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