everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
