I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
