He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
