New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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