You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
