I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
