two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
