mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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