Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
