even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
