when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
