there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
