I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Houston, we have a blender
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
