she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
