If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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