There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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