I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
