we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
