i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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